Today, I will present the results of my highly unscientific study into cat milk substitutes.

Here is some background. We adopted our cat when she was a stray kitten in Istanbul. Being a street cat, she was very scrawny and malnourished, as well as unbelievably dirty. So, after a bout of comprehensive bathing, I started feeding her milk, along with the standard kibble and kitty pat&3233;, in order to fatten her up a bit, build strong and healthy bones, a lustrous coat and all that rot.

And she liked it. Getting fed without not having to fight it out with other cats first, certainly, but especially the milk. And time passed, and the kitten grew into a sleek and slightly spoiled teenage feline who would eagerly eat what she found on the kitty-buffet, then cheerfully steal half a kilo of cheese from the kitchen counter. Then she started getting the runs. And disgorging milk and minced lamb all over the carpets.

The Cat, it seems, had developed more than a slight intolerance to lactose. Which is common among cats, but you try and tell a sleek and perhaps- more- than- slightly spoiled teenager that she can't have any more milk. The Cat, I should note, is very persistent. Also loud.

One day, in what passed for a supermarket in my neighborhood, I discovered a new product from those fine folks at Whiskas: MilkPlus. Milk especially for cats, lactose free with added taurine and whatever else your kitty should have more of. Naturally, I rushed it home to our all- right- I- admit- it spoiled cat. And she liked it. The carpets were saved! Very important, considering my carpet fetish. Not as bad as my pointy-toed-boots (and now -shoes) fetish, mind you, but far more expensive. Although it's not been near as bad since we moved from Istanbul which, in Catholic terms, is a Near Occasion of Sin. Too near. Oh, I still look hungrily into windows, drooling like a geek in Electronics Universe, but the compulsion to actually buy has pretty much passed. No doubt sublimated at the shoe store, but I digress.

Time passed. Countries came and went, but our cat, no matter how peripatetic she's become, has always been assured her supply of cat milk. Until recently, when Dilettante's Law of Brand Loyalty kicked in. DLoBL simply states that whenever I, Dilettante, get attached to a particular product of any type, the manufactures will cease to manufacture same. Or pull it out of whatever market I live in. Or change the scent. Or, in the case of lipsticks, change the color. And so it is that I can no longer find LattePi� (ie. MilkPlus in Italian).

For a while it wasn't too bad. The stores closest to me stopped carrying it, but I would just go to a supermarket further away and buy ten bottles. This kind of shopping, I should add, is normal procedure in Italy-- actually, all over Europe. I actually alternate grocery stores, visiting each on a bi-weekly basis or whatnot, and stock up on what I am unable to buy at all the other grocery stores that I frequent. (And people wonder how I fill up my time! Hah. People just don't appreciate their local Kroger or Winn-Dixie or Cub when they have them. Nor the car to bring home your groceries in. Or fridge/freezer/pantry space to store them. But, again, I digress.)

However, the time has come where LattePi� is pretty much no more. Yes, I know that it's been four years, but I figure that DLoBL needed time to filter down to the cat through me. I'll keep searching, but alternatives are clearly in order. AlmostNormal kindly suggested soy-milk. On day one of testing, first thing in the morning so she would have a bit of hunger-incentive, I put down a nice clean bowl full of icy-cold, nutritious soy-milk, stood back, and observed.

The cat sniffed the soy-milk. She scrutinized the soy-milk. She hunched over the bowl and I was on the verge of rejoicing. But she stopped short of actually tasting the soy-milk. Instead, she backed away. Slowly. Suspiciously. Eyes never leaving the bowl in case whatever was inside decided to leap out and splash her to death or whatever. When she was out of attack range, she stationed herself in front of the fridge. Patiently waiting for me to give her some real breakfast.

This is when I noticed that my tea tasted, for lack of a better word, funny. Not necessarily bad. Just...funny.

I drink lactose-reduced milk myself, these days. I've found that it cuts down on bloating, although I refuse to give up my cottage cheese, yogurt, or other delicious fruits of the cow. The store where I bought the soy-milk did not have my usual brand of milk, so I bought a similar brand. I hadn't examined the carton to closely at the time, so I did it now. And I discovered that it was not, as I had believed, skim milk. That 0.5 percent referred to the lactose level, and the milk itself was 2 percent. I decided immediately to expand the experiment.

I knew, from an unfortunate incident involving a large cup of hot tea and three hours sleep, that the cat does not like lactose-free skim milk. I also learned that cat milk, besides tasting horrendous to the average human, leaves a slimy film in your mouth similar to the condensed milk that Germans like to put in their coffee. What if the cat didn't like my milk because it was skimmed? I put down a nice bowl of icy-cold mid-fat lactose-reduced milk, and went off to take a shower, ignoring the cat's guilt-inducing stare the best I could.

When I got out of the shower, I discovered that Elvis had fed the cat because "she doesn't seem to like that milk you put down for her." Now, my husband almost never feeds the cat, which means that she must have put on a pretty good show. Which blew that scheme.

Day Two. Elvis left for work early to go to a meeting, and was thus unable to corrupt my ongoing experiments. I put down two fresh bowls of milk. I then left the apartment to take down the recycling. For added verisimilitude, I took my purse and coat. That's right Cat! If you are hungry, you have no choice.

One trip to the recycling room and quick stop for coffee at the BarAcrossTheStreet later, I returned to find the cat in the middle of the carpet, frantically licking her butt. The semi-skimmed lactose reduced milk was almost gone. The soya, unfortunately, remained untouched.

I can only conclude that the will drink the milk only when in a state of desperation. I doubt she likes it much, since she seems to use a good ass-licking to get the taste out of her mouth, which would hardly seem to be a recommendation. She did try the soya-milk later in the day, but moved immediately along to the crunchy food. Without licking her butt first, however. Maybe she'll get used to it in time.

In additional experiments, the soy-milk leaves a shiny film across the top of a cup of tea. It curdles in coffee, and won't froth properly for cappucino anyway. It does, however, make a passable shake. Especially if you add extra chocolate. So, not a total waste. I need more soy in my diet anyway, as the sprouts and occasional serving of tofu are probably not enough. Still enough left to keep foisting upon the cat, who may eventually relent. Or not.