Just don't tell my mother.

I have a shameful secret.

I bought some "cheddar" at the Chinese Importers.

You may have noted that I wrote "cheddar" and not "cheddar cheese". And, hey, what's with the quotes? Both deliberate, because what I bought was Cheddar-flavored Cheese Food. Cheese food because the manufaturers want you to know that, despite all evidence to the contrary, their product is safe to eat. Probably.

It comes in a box, so you don't need to use up fridge space that you do not have in the standard European fridge: it's perfectly happy to take up shelf space that you do not have in the cupboard.

The box, of course, also helps to keep the product vaguely rectangular in the event that it's left to melt on a runway in Manila before being rushed to a fine grocer near you. And the "processing" means that, should such a fate befall your cheese food, it will be, in all likelyhood, safe to eat. Well, it hasn't killed me yet, so I'm assuming that's true. It does make the foil a bitch to peel off, but you can't have everything.

Have I mentioned the glass of milk in every slice? Doesn't say how thick you need to slice it, unfortunately, but the box does say that it's full of the nutritional goodness of milk, and will give your kids smoother skin and rosier cheeks, which is certainly not something your every day, run-of-the-mill, actual-cheese cheese claims on its packet, is it? As an added bonus, I've found out from actual, unscientific research that it bounces like a superball.

And, to an expatriate who hasn't tasted cheddar cheese in so long she's forgotten what it tastes like, it will remind her of exactly what real cheddar cheese does taste like. Real quick.

To wit: Not Like This.

On the other hand, it melts like a dream. Snuggled inside a couple of tortillas, drowned in extra-spicy, home-made enchilada sauce, a pile of jalapeno slices on top for good measure, and it will pass.

Just close your eyes and pretend.

A message from Calliope to her fellow felines regarding goat's milk.

Just say no.

A message from Dilettante to her fellow humans regarding same.

Use it in your scrambled eggs, and they will be Sublime. Maybe throw in some chopped chives half way through the cooking, grate a little Parmaggiano-Reggiano on top, and you are in business. Rye toast would be a good accompaniment if you happen to be in a country that supports rye bread: if not, whole wheat works fine.

It's finally happened.

Yes, I've finally managed to put too much sauce on a pizza. The cheese slid right off that sucker and burnt me on the chin.

Of course, had I used "pizza topping" like many Italians, that would not have happened. Pizza topping will stretch like silly putty, yet still remain fully anchored to the pizza in question. Pizza topping lists vegetable oil as its first ingredient, followed by many other wholesome chemicals that make your life easier. Sometimes, it has actual cheese, but never too much to interfere with the smooth, gooey mass you want topping your pizza. In short: cheese-food.

I, however, being both a food snob and from Wisconsin, would never stoop to buying such a thing, and am therefore forced to walk around with a zit-like blister on my chin.